meetings, church services and karaoke.

I feel like meetings are a way to give people who are no longer good at karaoke some attention. I can find no other meaning for them.

Church services are like gigantic, musical meetings. This makes me wonder about the true ambitions of pastors.

If you’re thinking: Ryan, church is a sacred time for the worship of the omnipotent benevolent happy happy fun time God!

I say to you: NO.

Think about it: If you could be instantly present anywhere in the universe, would you choose a place where a teenager was playing the electric drums and it smelled like a cafe inside a UPS Store?

A church service is a meeting that would totally be karaoke if it were taking place 10 years ago. If he still had the chops, your pastor would switch the Powerpoint from “God’s Love Came Down” to INOJ’s “Love You Down” in a heartbeat.

Just so I don’t leave my high church friends out, I’ve been to your services. Your priests’ are already doing some weird Medieval version of karaoke every Mass. (If set to Madonna, it would sound something like this: whenyoucallmynameitslikealittleprayeryourtendervoicecantakeMEEEEtherrreeee.)

What other reason could there be for subjecting human adults to hours of sitting quietly and memorizing the half-baked ideas of others than that the leader of this madness would rather captivate an audience while doing something else, but can’t. Or won’t. Or is afraid to.

Who ever dreamed of being in middle management? Who ever fantasized about standing before an audience of their peers and gesticulating at a multi-colored pie?

A company’s money would be much better spent baking multi-colored pies.

Children understand how insane church services are. The only appropriate response to a bunch of adults sitting around a stage trying hard to keep from falling asleep is to scream and run around the room until you find the bread and grape juice. I myself have thought of doing this on multiple Sundays.

I think next Sunday I’m just going to ask my children to help Daddy find God. Then, at the very least, we’ll eat better. And maybe even turn over a few rocks, discover something that’s alive.



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